Always on the leading edge of expanding Crustacean horizons, the 2004 Hairy Crab Invitational introduces a new classification of non-competing participants....the Barnacles.

"Barnacles suck, and they stick to the bottom of the boat."

-- Joe 'Hubcaps' Tattaboom, future barnacle hall of famer

Barnacles are the least understood crustacean in the Hairy Crab. Some crustaceans claim to be Barnacles, but the truth is, they are simply lazy Crabs and apathetic Clams.

Attitude and a verbal claim to Barnacledom simply isn't enough. There is a very specific behavior, or lack thereof, that makes one a Barnacle.

For your personal edification and in case you think you've  actually spotted one, here are the top five Barnacle identification characteristics:

Barnacle trait #1

When confronted with a choice between lethargy and doing nothing,

Barnacles generally choose lethargy.

Barnacle trait #2

Barnacles view golf as a waste of good idle time.

Barnacle trait #3

The most important piece of equipment to a Barnacle is a Long Bar happy hour glass.

Barnacle trait #4

Some Shrimp and Clams aspire to be Crabs. Barnacles only aspire to be Barnacles.

Barnacle trait #5

If golf was indoors and you could sit still while playing it,

Barnacles might consider taking up the game. But this thought would quickly pass.