desert crab logoDesert Crab
April 28- May 2 2024
Palm Springs, CA



In My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.

Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.


By Its Size I Could Not Guess

The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,

I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.


My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.


It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,

And Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,

If I Hit It Straight And Far.


To Master Such A Tiny Ball,

Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,

And Does Exactly As It Chooses.


It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.


With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,

It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,

If Only It Would Find The Hole.


It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,

And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,

But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.



Yoda McGrail has been out pounding the pavement, practicing his stinger 7-iron off the phone booth into the hole, getting ready to defend his title at Spring City.  (photo courtesy of Andy Campbell)

seamus boxersDuke Newcomb was a Shrimp on a mission, taking down one of the top Crabs with conviction during a recent practice round for the Jolly Elephant in Pattaya.  "It was easy," said Duke with confidence.  "I just stuck to my game plan and waited for the chance to strike."  It appears however that Duke might have shot the proverbial wednesday wad, as he drifted to a Jolly Tour career high 4th DFL finish in the Elephant itself, much to the relief of hard charging Tusher Timmy Real.  "The big tournaments are overrated," Duke added, "I'm all about cash games in the practice rounds."

> Here is the Table of Contents from our new book:    "Big E & El Jeffe School of Golden Tee Golf,"  which we believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that we've have gained through  years of experience in the game and observations of golfing partners around the world.

> Table Of Contents:

> Chapter  1   -  How to properly line up your fourth putt.

> Chapter  2   -  How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee.

> Chapter  3   -  How to avoid the water when you lie 8 In a bunker.

> Chapter  4   -  How to get more distance off the Shank.

> Chapter  5   -  When to give the Ranger the finger.

> Chapter  6   -  Using your shadow on the Greens to maximize earnings.

> Chapter  7   -  When to implement Handicap Management.

> Chapter  8   -  Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m.

> Chapter  9   -  How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post,... Undetected.

> Chapter 10 -   How to rationalize a 6 hour round.

> Chapter 11 -   How to find that ball that everyone else saw go In the water

> Chapter 12 -   Why your spouse doesn't care that you Birdied the 5th.

> Chapter 13 -   How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome.

> Chapter 14 -   How to relax when you are hitting Three off the Tee.

> Chapter 15 -  When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent.

> Chapter 16 -  God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt.

> Chapter 17 -  When to regrip your Ball Retriever.

> Chapter 18 -  Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.

> Chapter 19 -  Why male  golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and

>                     give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.

> Chapter 20 -  Optimizing scorekeeping to your monetary advantage.

> Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy. Please send on and hopefully more people will buy copies!!!

Found on the Kunming Airport departure magazine rack.....

Where was this before the tournament, when I needed it ?